May 2010
3 posts
Prayers of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
“I EARNESTLY ADVISE EVERY ALCOHOLIC TO READ THIS BOOK THROUGH, AND THOUGH PERHAPS HE CAME TO SCOFF, HE MAY REMAIN TO PRAY.”
William D. Silkworth, MD - Pg. xx
“GOD IS EVERYTHING OR HE IS NOTHING. GOD EITHER IS OR HE ISN’T. WHAT WAS OUR CHOICE TO BE?” Pg. 53
Pg. 59 We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
...
1
The tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao The name that can be named is not the eternal Name.
The unnamable is the eternally real. Naming is the origin of all particular things.
Free from desire, you realize the mystery. Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations.
Yet mystery and manifestations arise from the same source. This source is called darkness.
Darkness within darkness....
Why is He doing this for me?
“There have been millions and millions of alcoholics stagger across the face of this earth. They have lived and died in alcoholism. They have died, and they have carried down in disgrace, families, friends, and associates with them. They have caused carnage in this world, and they have died hopelessly. It’s been a tragedy.
Out of all these millions of people, therefore, why? You tell me...
March 2010
1 post
Fuckits
So I came up to a door and opened it and it was full of fuckits. Man they looked nice on the other side there. All fuckity fuck and all. Tempting indeed. BUt i closed the door and threw the key off the huge cliff the door was perched on. It’ll take a huge effort to get the fuckits door open again.
The end.
February 2010
2 posts
A Soul Crippling Disease
That is what alcoholism is, a soul crippling disease. The escape form it’s tentacles is nothing short of bliss.
If it is darkest before dawn, it is getting very, very dark right now. One door after another is closing, shutting me off from the light. Faith is paramount. Sine qua non.
January 2010
10 posts
“Because from the beginning, God said, I’m gonna put this world on your...”
– Reb on free will - Have A Little Faith
Sometimes
Sometimes what get’s broken doesn’t get put back together again.
Sometimes
Sometimes what get’s broken doesn’t get put back together again.
I can be abrupt.
sarkastickunt:
And yes, I come across a bit crass and loud and hard to swallow. I’m not for everyone. And I guess that’s okay with me, because it allows me to pick and choose who I let inside.
However, once I let you in, I give everything I have to keep you there. I fight for you. For us. I trust too fast. Too hard. With too much passion. I forgive too soon. Too many times. And lose pieces of...
“When you come to the end, that’s where God begins.”
Conversation
In any conversation, there are at least three parties, you, the other person, and God.
Contrary motion
Once again, the God altered the plan for me. It seems that what I think is irrelevent. Really. I am reminded of the phrase, “If you wnat to hear God laugh, tell him your plans…” God is laughing. Unfortunately, I’m not. I’m OK, just not laughing. Work sucks. My wife is very ill. My finances suck ass. Get the picture? I want to howl at God. I know, more laughter. What I...
Crossroads
Today I am at the crossroads. Not to make a deal with the devil but to surrender to God. Once again, I give. Really. Fate has squeezed every last bit of defiance I have left in me. I’m all in on the faith thing. I have been falling a terminal velocity toward the hard tarmac since March of last year. Without a chute. Bad economy, bad decision, bad friendships, seemingly bad everything. Well...
Crossroads
Today I am at the crossroads. Not to make a deal with the devil but to surrender to God. Once again, I give. Really. Fate has squeezed every last bit of defiance I have left in me. I’m all in on the faith thing. I have been falling a terminal velocity toward the hard tarmac since March of last year. Without a chute. Bad economy, bad decision, bad friendships, seemingly bad everything. Well...
“My thoughts are not your thoughts.
Neither are your ways my ways.
For...”
– Isaiah
December 2009
8 posts
Breathe
I must remember to breathe. (Read pause). I seem to have forgotten some lesson learned in the last years. Maybe less caffeine would help also. I was wound up this AM. Actually I got pretty riled up on Sat as well.
Breathe.
“Sometimes I wonder about the relationship I have with my family. It seems so...”
– I wonder
“Now Besso” (an old friend) “has departed from this strange world a...”
– Einstein
Cruel twist
In a cruel twist of fate a partner I have had lined up for some time, who has been embroiled in some litigation, had the fork stuck in them today. They are officially screwed forever in my business. Hopes and dreams of dollars evaporated in three paragraphs worth of reporting. True or not, the damage is done and yet another in a very long line of dashed dreams get added to the list.
I had no idea (read last paragraph)
from http://journeywithjesus.net/PoemsAndPrayers/Saint_Francis_of_Assisi.shtml
aint Francis of Assisi (1182–1226)
The Peace Prayer of Saint Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is error, truth; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; And where there...
“Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less.”
– CS Lewis
I'm OK
The weird health scare turned out to be innocuous. Seemingly.May be it portends of more serious stuff but they specialists don’t think so. WHne ou have something go suddenly wrong in your vision it is scary. I don’t mean like having something in our eye or having some sort of trauma to your eye, which can be quite scary and I have had both types of injury. I mean having something go...
Control Freak
I have never really regarded myself as a control freak in the traditional sense, however, lately I have begun reflecting upon the issue of control. I have begun to realize that in my youth I was all about control. After the horrible incident where I had absolutely no control, to the point were my life rested at the whim of a very sick individual, I began exploring control from a very young age. I...
November 2009
9 posts
Edge
I star once again into the void. Many have faced the void before me, I need to have faith and lean on God and hope for a soft landing. I am scared for my kids most of all as they have been shielded from my financial difficulties. I pray. I feel like I did prior to goign to jial for my DUI offense nearly 30 years ago. Tremendous uncertainty.
I do know that God is. I am not and he has a plan. That...
Mauled
I have been beat up today at work. I don’t deserve this. Not one bit.
Need.
New.
Job!
Healthcare costs might kill me today.
I had a bit of a scare earlier today. I was at work reading a document when suddenly I could not see a part of my direct field of vision. It was as if there was a hole in my sight. (I know we have blind spots). It was quite disconcerting and got better then worse. As it progressed I felt ill, then panicked and called my wife. She freaked, I then called my Dr., he was busy and would get back to me....
Pop
Maybe it was just fall finally arriving, but the colors of the foliage this morning looked very flat and lacked “pop”. Usually everything seems to pop more. I thought I hope this does not foreshadow a “Meh” day. Yesterday, I stared into the abyss that is my future and I suppose my father did as well but for different reasons. It was his birthday and I have to wonder if he...
“Great and good are seldom the same man.”
– Winston Churchill
Fog
In what seems to be more and more of a daily analog (?). I awaken in fog both physical and mental and slowly the sunlight burns it off.
Realization
I had the realization this morning that I might not outlive my father. Not a very comforting thought. My Dad is in excellent physical health and I’m overweight, have heart issues and probably other undiscovered ailments. I need to cogitate on this further and figure a course of action moving forward.
Parallels - Life and Dogs (and booze)
As I watched my dog keep on trotting away as I called him, I realized that my life is stragely like the control I have over my dog. Most of the time the dog does what I want him to, sit stay, come, get the ball, and best, NO! Other times he just looks at me and says, “Nice try! I know you don’t have the e-collar on me, so I’ll just do what I want.” I scream at him, throw...
Note: God found
A while back I wrote of having lost what had become a symbol of my God, A Little Yellow Box. Apparently my wife had thrown it away. She didn’t know it was God. How could she? Nevertheless, I was pissed. How could you have thrown it away? How could you not have know it was God? As things are in God’s world, it all happened to teach me a lesson I was struggling with, namely, even when...
October 2009
3 posts
I miss
My mother died a couple of years ago this week. It has been a tougher time than I thought. I really miss my Mom. More often than I did when I knew she was still with us. Everytime is see *:41 PM I think of her. I think of her and I weep. Sometimes by myself. Sometimes in public at odd times. I offer no explanation and to date no one has inquired why. (Odd thing, no?). I once started weeping in...
“What would you attempt to do if your knew you could not fail?”
– unknown
Self will
I am observing one of the most astonishing examples of self will run riot that I think I have ever seen. The person has considerable “dry” time. Sober? Most would say that is debatable. He is desperately trying seek validation from other for his incredibly callous actions and not getting it. Undaunted he forges on his destructive path. Unfortunately, there is a small child that will be greatly...
September 2009
10 posts
Sadly, God was crushed
Sadly, my previously mentioned symbol of God/Hope was thrown out with the trash by my unsuspecting wife. I wonder how often we throw God and Hope out with the trash unsuspectingly?
RIP LIttle Yellow Cube. Now I have to make another.
What it was like, what happened, and what it's...
We hear that a lot in the rooms. I have given it much thought and after hearing a speaker the other night had this thought.
Magical, Miserable, Magical.
More in the AM
More in the AM
A Little Yellow Cube
You would be right to wonder what the hell the Subject line is all about on this one. So was sitting in a meeting the other day and my mind was doing it’s thing, wondering how I was going to incorporate the topic into a relevant share. I had a Post-It note in my hand because you have to reserve a seat at this meeting and they provide Post-It notes for you to write your name on and stick to...
Inured
in⋅ure [in-yoor, i-noor]
–verb (used with object)
1.to accustom to hardship, difficulty, pain, etc.; toughen or harden; habituate (usually fol. by to): inured to cold.
–verb (used without object)
2.to come into use; take or have effect.
3.to become beneficial or advantageous.
Also, enure.
Origin: 1480–90; v. use of phrase in ure, en ure in use, customary < AF en ure in use, at work, equiv....
Worry
Yesterday, I got the gift of noticing another side effect of doubt. Worry. I seriously have not worried about things since I was around a year sober. I have said often (not originally) that worrying is like trying to solve and algebra problem by chewing bubble gum. It has worked for me for many years. Yet, yesterday, worry came into play. I had suddenly gotten into a space where worry was a...
“Thanks for emptying my bucket of happiness”
– child #2. Age 5.
Doubt
I will only say this about that word. If you have not experienced it in matters of faith, you cannot know it. They say you cannot know what you do not know. I never thought I would have a doubt in my faith, but here it is. I cannot explain how it happened, as I have not changed anything in my program or routines. In fact, I have been slowly adding more spirituality to my life, working with more...
Age of Magic
The wonderful speaker the other night said, “I am living in an Age of Magic”. Wow! AA is magical in the same way I was left in awe the first time my great uncle did slight of hand tricks. I thought he had tapped into some sort of magical power. I thought the people I first met in AA had tapped into some sort of magical power as well. I wanted what they had. They were not drinking AND...
Foggy
I snapped this yesterday as I walked my beast at 6 am in the morning. I could not help but think how apropos this scene was as it seemed to symbolize my life at that moment. Foggy. Uncertainty abounds in many areas of my life. I know that God has a plan and that five years from now I will se how it was that this got me to where I am then. However, now I cannot see clearly, I have a tremendous...
August 2009
3 posts
Faith & Booze
I have been having a mini crisis of faith in recent months. This is the first time in many years that my faith has wavered on bit. My faith has been so rock solid I have constantly been amazed. Funny thing about faith, though, a little chink in the armor and… Perhaps the lesson I am learning is…don’t question faith or God. This has been the ultimate leap of faith for me. Kinda...
New diggs
So this space will be my new diggs until the people who track me incessantly find me once again. I have officially given up on custom domains and will opt for disposable free services. If they find me, I will not know as I am not going to track IP addresses and the like.
So this is it. Minimal. Clean. Easy to use. My only ope is that this will be of use to someone, somewhere.
“God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?”
– pg. 53