God Is

I have never really regarded myself as a control freak in the traditional sense, however, lately I have begun reflecting upon the issue of control. I have begun to realize that in my youth I was all about control. After the horrible incident where I had absolutely no control, to the point were my life rested at the whim of a very sick individual, I began exploring control from a very young age. I learned that through manipulation one gained control and compliance. The one trick I quickly learned is that if someone does not comply then ratchet up the pressure. The problem was that I saw too quickly that some pressure worked some of the time, extreme pressure worked all of the time. I stopped using some pressure and used the extremes to get what I wanted. I’m not even sure what I waned in my early years. It certainly was not money, sex, or drugs and alcohol, as they weren’t on the radar yet. I think it was just trying to get control back after it had been taken from me in such a sudden and absolute way. I think I still use some of these coping mechanisms today. However, now I have a God filter. I run everything through Him. Well most everything. This limits my adeptness at straying from the path. This path is the only one that has allowed me to comprehend the worked serenity and know peace.
Ironically, it is this desire for control that we lose it. Self centeredness to the extreme. It does not suite us alcoholics. I learned the hard way. The insane way, always expecting different results. They never were.