God Is

Once again, the God altered the plan for me. It seems that what I think is irrelevent. Really. I am reminded of the phrase, “If you wnat to hear God laugh, tell him your plans…” God is laughing. Unfortunately, I’m not. I’m OK, just not laughing. Work sucks. My wife is very ill. My finances suck ass. Get the picture? I want to howl at God. I know, more laughter. What I need is relief. I’ve had enough.

Really.

I did have moments of grace yesterday. Beautiful grace. Fed the ego wonderfully. The problem is my ratios are all backward. These were the ratios I had BEFORE I got sober. 90% misery 10% happiness. Those reverse for the most part for the great majority of my sobriety. Now it has drifted back. Not because of lack of effort on my part. At least my sponsor and others don’t seem to think so.

So what gives? You hearing this God? I surrender. I give. Don’t kick me in the nuts anymore. I can’t fucking breathe anymore.